


Glass Boy

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Eating Disorder, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 02:24:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3960862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finding himself unable to sleep, Luke looks back on his relationship with Michael over the years- both the good and the bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Glass Boy

Luke trailed a finger lightly over Michael's shoulder. It was firm but rounded, and the collarbone connected to it was only as visible as it should be, a slight curve under the skin. He was still pale, but it was tinged with a healthy glow rather than the grey pallor he'd known him to have years ago. 

He smiled fondly at his sleeping boyfriend as his hand gently slid down his shoulder to his bicep, his forearm, and then his wrist. The smile faltered a bit as his long fingers glided over the raised tissue there, white lines that would mark Michael forever. He wrapped his fingers around the wrist protectively. 

He understood now that he could look back and know what he knew about the circumstances, about Michael. 

_"Well you should just stay away from me then!"_

_"I would if I could, but we go to the same school!" Luke yelled back, clutching the strap of his backpack with white knuckled hands._

He knew now that when Michael turned away it wasn't anger that shook his shoulders. And he still didn't fully understand, but things made much more sense when he had knowledge of how Michael thought. How Michael had seen himself. 

_"Why are you both here, Calum?"_

_"I thought we could all play some music, just for fun."_

_Michael shifted uncomfortably, tugging at his fraying sleeves that were much too long. They nearly covered his fingertips._

_"I'm busy. You two need to go."_

_"I didn't realize we were going to Michael's house, Calum," Luke said. "Or I wouldn't have come."_

That one brought on a cringe and Luke smoothed over the scars apologetically, tears pricking at his eyes. 

After all of the insults and anger, the first good night had been when Calum had dragged Luke over and then managed to fall asleep. 

_"I don't-"_

_Michael turned his head away and Luke saw his throat move as he swallowed thickly._

_"Don't what?"_

_"Don't actually hate you," Michael said softly. "I'm sorry."_

_The only sound in the room was Calum's light breathing as he slept. Luke stared at Michael._

_"You don't?"_

_"No."_

_Michael turned back to look at him and Luke smiled slightly._

_"I don't hate you either. And I'm sorry I made fun of your black eye, it's not fair to seeing as I'm a total klutz too."_

_Michael's thin (much too thin) fingers gently touched the mentioned black eye and he frowned slightly._

_"Yeah, clumsy."_

But he hadn't been, not really. Neither Luke nor Michael had been exceptionally well-coordinated, but the cuts and bruises had a different explanation altogether. 

Luke frowned at the thought and released Michael's wrist to reach up and smooth his hair back from his forehead. He might play tough now, but Luke had learned that Michael liked soft touches and loving whispers almost as much as he loved playing guitar. 

It had taken a while to get through that tough exterior though- he'd had to wait until Michael cared equally about him to reveal himself, even by accident. 

_"But you said you didn't hate me!" Luke cried. Michael flinched._

_"I don't, I just-"_

_"What?" Luke didn't even know why he was trying, why he was fighting so hard for someone who didn't seem to want anyone to._

_"You should stay away from me," Michael said, so softly that Luke almost missed it._

_"Why?"_

_"I've got to go, my mom needs my help." Michael turned but Luke grabbed his arm before he could close the door._

_"You parents aren't even home! Am I that repulsive?"_

_Michael whirled around to stare at him in disbelief. "What? No! No, it's not you- people get hurt. When they get close. Or they will."_

_"Calum's close to you," Luke protested._

_A shadow passed over Michael's face and he suddenly looked exhausted, like the world was weighing on him._

_"I know. It was a huge mistake."_

_Then he turned and shut the door._

That was the first of a few glimpses he got of the real Michael, but it still took weeks to get through significantly. He had to force his way in. 

_"Calum's worried."_

_"Calum can fuck off," Michael said. Luke bristled._

_"He cares, you know."_

_"I know." Michael slumped in defeat. "He shouldn't though."_

_"What?" Luke stared at Michael in disbelief. "Why do you think that?"_

_"I'm a wreck." Michael laughed bitterly, tugging at the frayed ends of his sleeves and avoiding Luke's eyes._

_"Hey, that's not true." Luke's tone was soft and that made Michael look up, green eyes full of emotion. They'd always been dull and lifeless and Luke couldn't help but think that even if they reflected sorrow, they were beautiful when full of feeling._

_"You don't think...it doesn't matter." Michael set his jaw. "You've been- you've been so kind the past few days when you really shouldn't have been and I'm sorry. So I owe you an apology. And- well, I'm sorry. Goodbye."_

_The wistful smile on his face made Luke's heart sink even though he didn't know why._

_"Where are you going? Calum's coming soon."_

_"I know, I'll leave him a note." Michael was halfway down the hallway and Luke watched him go, head spinning._

_"A note?"_

_"Bye Luke."_

_Michael's shoulders were hunched and he looked small and defeated as he slowly made his way down the hall._

_"Michael, wait!" Luke tore after him, skidding to a stop by him and grabbing his arm._

_"What?"_

_"Do you want to hang out? Just for a bit? You can come to my house or we can get icecream or something."_

_Michael looked down at his thin wrist caught in Luke's large hands._

_"Go to your house?"_

_"Yeah. Just for a bit." Luke held his breath._

_"Just for a bit," Michael repeated, the loneliness in his face lessening slightly._

Luke still couldn't think about that day without his heart racing. He'd come so close to-

He leaned down and kissed Michael's scarred wrist. It felt like reassurance.

_"I really should go," Michael said for what felt like the hundredth time. Luke bumped his shoulder lightly before looking back up at the sky._

_"But look at this view!" he exclaimed. Fortunately there wasn't much cloud cover that night and the stars were bright._

_Michael laughed softly. "I've been here for hours."_

_"Hey, it's cool. I'm making a new friend here, it takes time."_

_"Friends," Michael said. "I-"_

_He stopped and the look he turned on Luke was so full of pain that Luke stopped breathing for a moment._

_"I should go."_

_"Michael."_

_"It's late, my parents will get back-"_

_"Michael-"_

_"I have to-"_

_"You don't have to go."_

_Michael stopped and stared at him, eyes curious._

_"You don't have to stay either," Luke continued, "though I'd love for you to. You don't have to do anything. You can choose what you **want**." _

_"But what if it's the best option?" Michael asked. The vulnerability written in the way he was sitting- knees to chest, arms around knees, head bowed- showed Luke that it was the crucial moment._

_"Hey, listen to me." Luke turned and hooked a finger under Michael's chin, tilting his head up. "Best for who? Best how? On what are you basing your choices? I, for one, am so happy that you're here right now, as the person you are. I'm happy that you're sitting by me having a deep conversation and looking at the stars and neither of us cares if it seems girly or too emotional. That's what matters to me right now."_

_Michael moved a bit closer to Luke, dropping his legs and sitting up. His eyes were shining and Luke wondered how he'd never seen him before, this boy made of glass._

_"Before you invited me, I..."_

_Michael's voice cracked but Luke waited patiently._

_"I- the note. It was a goodbye to Calum. I was going to go home and kill myself."_

_He'd known all along but Luke still couldn't help the flinch. Michael curled in on himself._

_"I know, I sound crazy. Most people-"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"What?"_

_"Whatever made you think you needed to kill yourself- I'm sorry you thought that. And I'm glad you came over instead."_

_"I'm so cold," Michael said, voice barely a whisper, and Luke knew what he meant._

_"Do you see the stars up there?" He asked Michael, pointing up. "From here, they're beautiful but they look so cold and distant. They seem too cold to ever be different. But you know what they really are. Up close they aren't dim, they're blinding. And they are so, so warm." He turned and laid a hand over Michael's heart gently, palm curled and fingertips light. "There's a star in here. It's pumping your blood and I don't ever want you to make it stop. Right now it feels insignificant and cold and dull, but I promise that it just needs the time to grow bigger. We'll fill it with happiness and it will get warmer and brighter and it has never been unimportant, okay? Let it do that, let it do its job and show that the sun, that bright, warm, important thing in the sky, is just another star and a star is another sun. You're just as important as anyone else."_

_He looked up and saw that Michael's eyes were brimming over, tears sparkling in the dim light. He looked almost relieved and Luke leaned forward and pulled him close, clinging tightly to him as he started to sob._

_"You can come whenever you want to. You can tell me whatever you want to whenever you want to."_

_"Thank you. I'm sorry."_

_"There's nothing to be sorry for," Luke told him. "There's nowhere I'd rather be."_

It didn't just end, though. There was still a lot to work through. There were things Michael said he couldn't tell Luke and Luke accepted that, but it was hard to deal with when Michael called him crying and couldn't explain why. 

The fact that now Michael would tell Luke anything and everything made Luke feel much better about those days.

_"Michael, we just got **signed**! What's wrong?" _

_"I'm going to screw this up." Michael buried his face in his hands._

_"Hey now, you are not. You're going to be amazing! I am so excited that I get to see you thrive in all of this. You're going to just burst onto the scene and steal everyone's hearts and save people's lives and-"_

_"That's you, Luke."_

_"What?"_

_"You're the one who's going to flourish. You're the sun, Luke. You save lives- worthless, meaningless lives." Michael stood but Luke grabbed his arm._

_"The sun is just another star, Michael. It's just in the right place. You could never be worthless or meaningless."_

_"You're the sun and I'm a cloud and all I could ever do is get in your way."_

_"I won't do it if you won't."_

_"What? You can't do that! People need to see you, to get a chance to know who you are-"_

_"The same goes for you."_

_"You're worth knowing," Michael said. "I'm- scarred."_

_"Scarred?"_

_And then Michael pulled up his sleeve. Luke bit back a cry as he saw the damage Michael had done to himself._

_"Oh, Mikey..." the nickname slipped from his mouth as he reached out and traced a scabbed cut with his finger. "Please, you can't-"_

_"I need it. But I can't be like this and sign. I can't try to be an example to people and then be doing this to myself."_

_"Without your battle wounds you aren't you." Luke took Michael's hand in his and gazed down at his wrist sadly. "And what a war we're fighting."_

_"You need to sign."_

_"Only if you will."_

_"I can't if-" Michael sighed frustratedly._

_"We'll figure it out together."_

_Michael's eyes met Luke's and he gazed at him for a moment. Luke held his breath as he waited until Michael finally nodded._

_"And this needs to stop."_

_"Luke, I can't-"_

_"Yes you can, Michael. You're worth so much more than this." Luke ran his thumb over the cuts gently, vision blurring with tears. "I can't see you do this to yourself."_

_"Then don't watch." Michael turned his head away, pulling his wrist from Luke's grasp._

_"Whether you like it or not, I see you." Luke moved, leaning around to meet Michael's eyes. "Hey, look at me. I know you even if you don't. And I know that I can't watch you self-destruct when you are so important. I can't watch you leave scars on your own body and be okay with it. I'm not that kind of person."_

_Michael flinched. "I didn't mean-"_

_"I know, it's okay. Just work with me, **please**." _

Then there was the time they all went to visit their families and Michael came back not quite the same.

_"Tripped," was the answer to the questions about the bruising on his face._

_Luke called bullshit._

_"Did you get into a fight?" he demanded the first time they were alone._

_"Fights are a little less one-sided," Michael said, motioning to the brown and purple splotches on his face._

_"Michael..."_

_"It's fine, I'm here now and you can watch my every move," he joked, wincing as he leaned on his arms and then sitting up. Luke frowned._

_"Okay, sleeves up, Michael."_

_"What? No, I'm fine. Do you want to watch something?"_

_"Sleeves, **now**." _

_When Michael still didn't move, Luke grabbed his left arm and struggled to push his sleeve up, looking down at his arm in horror. There were fresh cuts littering his arms but the shock was from the bruises. There were several sets that were definitely from fingers and they were quite dark._

_"Who did this to you?" Luke ground out, snapping his head up and staring at Michael._

_"Luke, it's fine. Just drop it."_

_"Like hell I'm gonna drop it! If you think I'm going to just let this go then you're out of your fucking mind. Where else are you hurt?"_

_Michael sighed. "Nowhere. I'm fine, just got lippy with someone I shouldn't have."_

_Luke gave him an unimpressed look. "I wasn't born yesterday. Take off your shirt."_

_Michael looked at him as if he was calculating different ways to get out of it. Luke folded his arms over his chest and glared until Michael gave up and pulled off the shirt._

_Luke didn't know what was worse, the fact that there was more bruising then clear skin or the fact that Michael's ribs came out several inches over his stomach._

_Then he decided that it was the long row of tiny holes running along a large angry scar on Michael's left abdomen._

_"Michael..." he reached out a shaking hand and lightly touched the scar. It had to be new- the holes were fairly visible and the skin was pink and red._

_"It's fine, don't worry about it."_

_A watery sort of snort came out of Luke. "How could I not?"_

_"Just don't- oh god, don't cry. Not over me."_

_Luke ignored the tears running down his own face and dropped his head onto Michael's shoulder, silencing the other boy._

_"Tell me everything," he said. Michael drew in a shuddering breath that shook his ribcage and made Luke want to cry even harder._

_"The scar is from a glass shard. My dad, uh- he wasn't happy with me..."_

To this day Luke couldn't hear about Michael's dad without wanting to kill the man. Jail wasn't terrible enough for a man who was so angry at having a gay son he felt the need to beat him. To kindly disagree but accept would do if you couldn't agree, but to leave your son scarred forever? That took a special sort of monster. 

_"Michael, please, we were doing so well." Luke leaned his forehead against the bathroom door. "Please, I don't even know what you're doing or which is worse." A sort of hiccup-sob escaped him and he turned, sliding down the door and collapsing on the floor._

_The sink was running but it could be to cover sounds or clean cuts and Luke hated not knowing or being able to help._

_"Michael, I know you can hear me. Please, just let me in."_

_It was far too long before the door unlocked. Luke flew to his feet and threw it open, charging at Michael and flinging his arms around him._

_"Are you okay?"_

_"I'm fine, I'm fine- I'm sorry." Michael buried his face in Luke's shoulder and tried to take deep breaths._

_"You could have talked to me," Luke said softly._

_"I always do, I always come to you and dump everything on you."_

_"Hey, that's okay. That's what I want you to do." Luke looked over Michael's head and spotted blood by the sink. "Oh, Michael."_

_"What?"_

_"Let me see how bad it is."_

_Michael pulled back and rolled up his sleeves. He'd bandaged his arms- something Luke had made him promise he'd do if he was going to cut- and Luke checked to make sure everything was clean and dry._

_"I wanted you to think I could be strong," Michael said as Luke rolled his sleeves back down._

_"You are strong. You're so strong and so important and you just amaze me, Michael."_

_"I'm not strong," Michael said, his eyes filling with tears. "I'm- I'm shattering. I'm just glass and I'm shattering and there won't be anything left-"_

_"No! I'm not going to let you. You're not going to shatter, not on my watch. You're far too important and yes, too strong. You are so strong, Michael."_

_Luke gently touched Michael's face, cupping his cheek and meeting his eyes. "I want to help you."_

_Michael's eyes were wide and shining with tears as he looked up at Luke._

_"Why?"_

_"Michael, it is actually impossible to not love you."_

_Michael's lips parted in shock but Luke just smiled at him simply._

_"I don't understand," Michael said, and he was so close that Luke couldn't help himself._ _He leaned in, pressing his lips to Michael's trembling ones and wrapping his arms around him tightly, protectively. Michael's arms came up and around his neck as he kissed him back and Luke smiled into the kiss._

Luke couldn't help but also smile at the memory. There were so many happy ones after that that it made the dark ones worth it. 

_"I love you."_

_Luke sat up and looked at Michael. "You don't have to-"_

_"I know." Michael looked up at Luke, his eyes glowing in the dim lighting. "And I know I'm sort of emotionally everywhere-"_

_"Michael-"_

_"Let me finish, silly." Michael smiled and Luke leaned in to kiss his smile creases. "Hey, I'm talking."_

_"Okay, fine." Luke laughed and leaned his elbows on Michael's chest, propping his head on his hands._

_"Okay. Well, I was trying to say that even when my emotions are all over the place and I have no idea what's going on, I always feel the same about you. And even in my crazy head there's a little part of me that's sane for you. I'm not just saying this, I know it for sure. I love you. And I- are you crying?"_

_"No," Luke sniffled. "Continue."_

_"I can see tears, Luke." Michael grinned. "But yeah, I love you."_

_Luke laughed wetly, wiping his eyes. "I'm such a girl."_

_"Pretty sure I've spent a few years crying on you every day." Michael reached up and cupped Luke's face, wiping at his ears with his thumbs. "And you're still here for some reason."_

_"I love you so much." Luke grabbed Michael's face and kissed him. "So, so much."_

_"I know."_

Luke laughed softly to himself, blinking back tears. He couldn't believe he was crying at even the memory. 

_"Baby, please open the door, please!"_

_"I can't," Michael said through the door. "I fucked up."_

_Luke screwed his eyes shut and let his head fall back against the door. "It's okay, sweetheart. We'll start again. Let's count from right now. Right this second."_

_There was a sob and then something light and metal hit the floor with a ping._

_"That's it, baby. We'll start right now."_

_"You should just leave me," Michael's voice cracked._

_"Michael, no- I couldn't. Never ever. Not as long as you wanted me."_

_"I keep fucking up!"_

_"But I know we're close, really close. Please, starting right now. Open the door and we can count up from right now."_

_For a moment he thought Michael wouldn't open the door but then the lock suddenly clicked and he flew to his feet._

_"I'm sorry!" Michael cried into his shoulder as Luke pulled him into his arms._

_"Hey, shh...it's okay. It's fine. We'll start right now. It's...3:58. We'll write it down, okay?"_

That was so hard to go through-when Michael would be clean for weeks and then snap. It took so long to get to even one month clean. 

_"Three months!" Michael threw his arms around Luke and Luke swung him around, laughing and burying his face in Michael's neck. "Three months clean."_

_"I'm so proud of you!"_

_He set Michael down and Ashton and Calum came up to join in the hug._

_"You're doing great, Michael," Ashton smiled. "We all are, actually, but you're doing the most."_

_"I'm so proud of us," Calum said, earning a headslap from Michael._

_"I love you guys," Michael said._

_"But Luke the most." Calum ducked out of the group hug but wasn't fast enough to avoid another smack._

There were also several close calls that Luke would never forget. His heart broke every time Michael slipped up and if he was even upset at the situation, Michael would immediately blame himself. 

_**Im in the bathroom** _

_**please come right now** _

_Luke's hands shook as he fumbled with the key card for the hotel room door._

_**Im here let me in,** he sent to Michael when he finally made it into the bedroom. The bathroom door didn't open. _

_"Michael?" He called. "Baby, remember what we talked about. You don't know if I can help if you don't let me try."_

_"I always fuck up." Michael's voice was right on the other side of the door._

_"Shit," Luke swore under his breath. "Have you done anything yet?"_

_"No, I- no."_

_"That's good, Michael, that's really good. What are you getting the urge to do?"_

_It was probably cutting. While Michael still didn't eat as much as he should, the actual vomiting hadn't happened in a while. The cutting was a bigger problem for him._

_"Do you have your blade?"_

_"...yeah." Michael's voice was soft._

_"Okay, listen to me. We're five months clean, Michael. It's not long until we can hit six, make it to half a year! And I know you can do it. I know you can make these past five months count right now."_

_There was silence on the other side of the door but Luke kept talking anyway._

_"Remember that star inside of you? Do you remember that?"_

_"Yeah." He could hear a bit of a smile in Michael's voice._

_"You have to keep it inside, Michael. You have to keep it safe. When you let out parts of it you'll weaken it, and it's much, much too precious to risk."_

_"It's just a little blood," Michael said._

_"No, baby, it's really not. It means more than that."_

_"But-"_

_"You love me, right?" Luke asked._

_"Of course, more than anything." Michael's voice was quivering and Luke hurried on._

_"And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I love you. So I have your heart and you have mine. And the blood that comes out when you cut, that 'just a little bit of blood,' is mine. Does it make more sense to you now?"_

_Silence. Then, "yes. I don't- I don't know how you do it. If it was me out there and you in here feeling all of this and-" there was a sob and Michael stopped talking for a moment. "I love you so much."_

_"I love you too." Luke smiled sadly. "And it feels like my heart's in there right now, sitting with you, and Michael, if you could feel what it feels right now- it's bursting. I'm  begging you, please let me in there."_

_After a moment the door unlocked and Luke slowly pushed it open, stepping in and closing it after him._

_Michael was leaned against the wall, a blade in his hand that he was twirling between his fingertips. He'd gotten a wad of toilet paper to clean up with but it was blessedly pure white, like the skin below his rolled up sleeves._

_Luke sat down beside him and gently took the blade, careful to not cut either of them._

_"Still proud of you," he said, wrapping an arm around Michael's shoulders and tossing the blade into the trashcan._

_Michael let his head fall onto Luke's shoulder. "Just stay with me, please."_

_"Always."_

Luke looked down at Michael to find his eyes open. 

"Hey babe," Michael smiled. "Luke, you have tears on your face."

"One year clean."

"That's today?" Michael sat up and pressed his forehead to Luke's. "I think I got distracted."

"As of a couple hours ago, yes." Luke kissed him quickly and Michael swung a leg over him, straddling him and laying lengthwise on him. 

"Just because of you," Michael said. "Because you cared in any sort of way and because I found meaning in you. And because now I'm in an awesome band instead of stuck in an office somewhere going crazy and developing OCD on top of my other disorders."

"Hey, you worked so hard."

"Mmm, yeah I guess I did." Michael grinned. Then his expression turned serious. "It _is_ only because of you that I'm here right now, or even alive in general."

"Let's just agree that we've both worked really hard and deserve really great morning sex," Luke suggested.

"Okay I am definitely up for that," Michael said before Luke sat up and connected their mouths rather forcefully. "Mmf, wait, but-"

"Right now, so shut up," Luke said, effectively silencing him. He rolled them over, hovering over Michael and biting at his lip. He wasn't worried about hurting him. 

After all, Michael was done breaking. 


End file.
